The Grue (emptyonion) wrote in noew,
The Grue
emptyonion
noew

hOLIDAY cHEER

Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past:Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus: an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dino-bones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators who were awoken by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year; for many were killed!

Meatwad: Boy, this IS a long story you know...maybe I WILL go get somethin' to eat.
\
Carl: Yeah, I think I'm gonna get drunk while I listen to ya.

Cybernetic Ghost: I’m not finished.. YOU should have gotten a snack! A warlike race of elves from the red planet landed on the ice encased earth and they were imminently enslaved by the un-evolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys. Using galactic elfin technology toys were made into recognizable shapes, and given names like “train”, but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon, because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked . . . in a big way! Thousands of years ago the ice had made the globe inhabitable. Santa Ape did not know where the north pole was, how could he? He was born before science existed. So he arbitrary placed his work shop right here were your house is now!, long before they unionized and Christmas was celebrated at each full moon, which enraged the red ape…

Frylock: Wait, who unionized?

Cybernetic Ghost: WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW! Probably your momma.
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